My Ultimate Contentment – A letter to my last little miracle.

This photo was taken on New Years Day. I would never normally have shared it as I have zero make up on and really not looking my best. I wasn’t even going to post anything to social media until we had you safely in our arms. But I look back at this now, completely undoctored, and see how content I was, underneath the quite neutral expression.

I sent this photo to your Auntie as she had bought me that jumper for Xmas. It’s huge, but I loved that I could snuggle into it while you grew in my tummy.
I sat there with so many plans in my mind. This time next year I’d be sitting here in this same spot with you in my arms.

2020 was finally going to be The One. Getting to marry the one man that has always let me be me and has loved me for who I am, despite my many many flaws, inside and out. The man who has loved me through all the impossibly hard times, and the man who I will always thank my lucky stars for…. your incredible Daddy.

Something else I was excited for. You, our Rainbow baby, after such a long wait and so much heartache. I couldn’t wait to finally meet you in August. I couldn’t wait to see who you looked like and be in awe at your unique beauty. I couldn’t wait for your Daddy to hold you for the very first time and see both of your faces as you take eachother in while you’re still so brand new. I couldn’t wait for your big brothers to hold you for the first time, photos around the house… I couldn’t wait to see you smile, for the sleepless nights, for the battles with breastfeeding, for your little hand gripping my finger, for your first steps, your first day at school, tantrums even! All those firsts you imagine when expecting a baby.

2020 was our year at last. After four hard years and three painful goodbyes. I knew it wouldn’t be completely without it’s fair share of bumps in the road, it never is, and I knew our pregnancy with you would be a scary ride, but it was perfection in my mind nonetheless. We’d seen you and your lovely heartbeat, we just had to sit tight and be as positive as possible through the following seven months. I called you our Fighter but we also had another name for you, our little Christmas Bauble.

I was at my ultimate contentment. Excited, beaming, and happy, but always carrying a touch of trepidation.

By New Years Day when this photo was taken, I had become quite complacent. Our scan at eight weeks gave me a lot of confidence, which was naive considering our past experience. But other people do it all the time, right? I know several couples expecting their babies as I write this. If they can have a baby, some of them a rainbow baby, we can can’t we? After all, we’ve waited so long and been through so much, its HAS to be our turn, right?

I had no idea New Years Day would be my last with you. Not only that, but the last day ever with my hope of a rainbow. The next day, you, our final miracle, would leave us as your little heart gave up. Those heart sinking words we’d heard so many times before.

“I’m so sorry, there is no heartbeat”

I wish I hadn’t willed each day away, desperate to reach our second trimester as quickly as possible (which we should have been approaching this week, of course I am still counting weeks). I wish I’d embraced every single second I had with you. My last little one. You were my hopes and dreams and I will never forget the time I had with you.

This time around is going to be so much harder to get through. I miss you so much I feel sick, and I miss your future baby brother or sister like I’ve lost a part of me that I’ll never get back again. I’ve a weight on my chest that’s so heavy and hurts all the time. When I see other pregnant women, when I see babies, but especially at three in the morning when I can’t sleep.  I have to find myself again at some point. For mine and for everyone’s sake. Somehow. I will never ever forget you or your three star siblings, but I have to find that ultimate contentment again without my little Rainbow dream. For now, I’m taking it slow. One day at a time.

I love you my precious baby, forever and ever, your Mummy xxx

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