I’ve had this tab open in my browser with the above title for four days now. I have no idea how to begin but I have a huge urge to write.
Okay. I’m going to begin by saying I am happy (though that doesn’t seem like a strong enough word). Not the happy I was kidding myself with for the past two years, but that genuine organic type of happy. The kind of happy that takes me by surprise every so often when I catch myself grinning. Or when a tear pricks my eyes but, for once in two long years, not from sadness or desperation. Just pure happiness.
My birthday this year was the day I was rescued from something I never ever wish to experience again. That was the day the rest of my life truly began.
That was the day that allowed me to walk down the street with my head held up. The first time I saw a pregnant woman in the street after that day was magical. All those dark thoughts coupled with the most relentless anxiety and crippling sadness and feeling of utter unfairness had disappeared. Instead I felt warmth, softness, and hope.
Since then, I have been in a bit of a dreamlike state. Unable to believe that one day soon my dream could come true, just like so many others it happens to so easily…
…Could I take it for granted too? I am acutely aware that we have only crossed the very first hurdle and I have no idea quite how many hurdles there are to cross, but the first one was the biggest. I am still scared to relax completely into this new found happiness. I’ve seen the deepest, darkest, and loneliness depths of depression and going back there frightens me very much as I am not entirely sure I will survive that darkness again.
To focus my mind on relaxation and to become a bit more ‘zenlike’, I have embarked on a bit of soul searching and health and fitness improvement. Enhancing my well-being to bring positivity, hope, and (with any luck) new life. My goal is to create the most perfect, the safest, and the cosiest little womb/room for our future precious little one to grow – Healthily and happily. I am finally off my anti-depressants (with no trouble), and onto nutrition and food grown supplements, avoiding synthetics as much as possible.
So, here I am. Me. Molly. The person I was before the darkness but with added spark, a bounce in my step, and a huge amount of enthusiasm for new hope.
It’s been a long and , quite frankly, terrifying journey, but I have learnt a hell of a lot about life, people, and mostly about myself and human emotional strength and capabilities to push on through. I have lost friends along the way, but I have also gained friends who I would never have got through this without. Not to mention the ones who have stayed true since forever!
So here it is. Finally the post I’ve been longing to write and, perhaps, the first of many new exciting posts as we embark on this new and beautiful journey together as a family.
To all of my friends, family, and most of all my darling Stoozy… Thank you.
PS. Am I dreaming?