A letter to my daughter

My darling girl,

It’s been over a year since your little heart gave up. That last beat. The last wave of life fighting for you, willing you to keep going. I had no idea you had passed away inside me. The one place you should have been safe from harm. I spoke to you, imagining you were wriggling around with life still pumping through you. But you were so still. Your little arms and legs we no longer moving around. You could no longer hear your mummy’s voice.

Emily, you’d be seven months old now. I can see your cheeky smile and chubby cheeks, your big brothers making you giggle. Would you be crawling yet? I can almost smell you and feel your soft wispy hair on my face as I kiss you on your head. What colour eyes do you have? Daddy has brown eyes and I have blue, like your brothers. Maybe you’d have green eyes….

You’re sitting in your play-ring, discovering all the textures and noises it makes. It is lunchtime so I’m making you some finger foods. What do you like? Broccoli? Cucumber? Apple? Some pieces of toast and butter. Maybe a stick of cheese? I put you in your highchair. What a mess you’re making! Food is so much fun for you. It’s ok darling, you’re learning. Mummy and Daddy love watching you discover all these new flavours and textures. Everything goes straight into your mouth, or on the floor!

It is your first Easter. We’ll give you a taste of chocolate for the first time. What a treat! I’ve bought you a little chocolate bunny. You have to wait until Sunday though, just like your brothers. Tomorrow we are going on an Easter egg hunt. You’re going to be dressed up as an Easter Bunny, how cute you will look in your bunny ears! Although I imagine you’ll keep trying to take them off, just like you do with your socks. You cheeky scamp.

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Daddy is taking your big brother, Jack, to watch the football today. Maybe he would have taken you too. Your first football match. You in your little football kit and Daddy so proud to show you off. One day, when you’re a bit bigger, Daddy will even put you on his shoulders so you can see. Your Grandad will be there, your uncle and your cousin. They would have loved you so much my darling, I am sure of it. As much as your Mummy, Daddy, your Brothers and Grandma (my Mummy) loves you now.

My darling Emily, you have a new cousin. A little friend to play with, only seven months younger than you. Would you be friends? Having fun at family gatherings, teasing each other and playing games? It won’t ever be the same without you there, my sweetheart. I’m not quite sure how I’ll cope with that. You should be there too.

You should be there too.

You should be there too.

I should have a proud photo on my Facebook profile of your family smiling down at your little face. Perhaps your family would have similar pictures of you….

My darling Emily, Mummy so wants to give you a baby brother or sister. Another little person just like you. So very much, more than anyone can ever imagine. But I don’t think it is going to be possible, and that truly breaks my heart almost as much as losing you. If only my dream could come true. After so much heartache, that one beautiful thing would give me back my life. True happiness again. We would tell your baby brother or sister all about their big sister. How perfect she was and how much we love her. Your little brother or sister would know how important they are and how much love and hope they have put back into our lives. I’ve already imagined them, just like I imagined you. Because, not so long ago, it was something we knew would happen. Mummy and Daddy both wanted you to have a baby brother or sister. I could almost feel and smell their beautiful soft skin, just like yours.

Your lovely auntie Faye bought you some plants for your garden. Dahlietta Emily. They are almost as pretty as you. You would have loved the friends we’ve made since we’ve moved into the house we bought for you. And they would have loved you just as much. Mummy is going to plant your flowers next to your tree today. I wanted to keep them inside so I could be reminded of you all the time but they want to be outside now.

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It is so quiet without you here. Deafeningly quiet. Not a nice quiet. Where are your gurgles? Your cries? I can imagine putting you down for your afternoon nap, breastfeeding you before gently placing you into your cot in your bedroom, tucking you into your sleeping bag, pulling the blind so it is dark like it was when you were in my tummy. Cosy and warm. Your bedroom doesn’t look like I’d imagined anymore. Where is your cot? Your toys? The piles of nappies and your little clothes neatly folded in a cupboard and a little white hanging rail with your pretty dresses on.

The bathroom should have your toys neatly stored in a bucket and your baby shampoo on the side of the bath. We have kept the fun fish stickers on the wall for your baby brother or sister – that sweet little person I imagined would be here with us by now, in the outside world, or in my tummy – A first toothbrush propped up in the holder with your brothers’ toothbrushes. ‘My first toothpaste’ sitting on the windowsill. Calpol for when you are not feeling very well, when those naughty teeth are hurting you. Little baby nail clippers to keep your toes looking pretty.

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I look around the living room. While you sleep, I should be tidying away your toys and the mess you’ve made with your lunch. Putting away clean babygrows, bibs, and muslin squares, checking you have enough nappies and wipes to get us through the bank holiday weekend. I notice a bit of milk on my shoulder. Ah you got me you little monkey!

When I sit down with a cup of coffee, with your baby monitor on, I can hear your little baby snores and snuffles, adorable! I think how lucky I am to have you and how much joy you bring to our family. Instead, I’m writing this blog and looking out at your tree in the garden. And it is quiet. Deafeningly quiet.

I imagine going up to your bedroom, like in my dreams, and find you sleeping in there. Sound asleep. Or maybe you are just out with your Daddy.

This was all just a horrific nightmare… But instead it is real and I long to go to sleep and dream of you again.

I miss you so very much my sweetheart.

I think of you every single day and I will do forever. I will never forget you and the indescribable joy you brought me. Thank you so much for giving me that.

I love you my darling girl.

Lots of love,

Your Mummy xxx

 

 

 

 

 

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